After spending approximately 3000 hours on her phone during middle of the night and early morning feeds, new mother Emma Clifton has learned a lot about what Mumfluencers on Instagram are trying to teach us
‘Hey Mama, I know your body has changed after motherhood but that’s okay! Your body is incredible and you deserve to feel good about yourself, even though it has changed forever.’ [Accompanying photo: 22-year-old swimsuit model in a string bikini, holding a naked baby, taken on Bondi beach at magic hour]
‘Hey Mama, baby having trouble sleeping? Here’s a sneak peek of my 75-minute YouTube video detailing the five most important steps to help your baby sleep through the night. But don’t skip forward to the end because it’s 3am and your soul has left your body – each tip is equally as important and you can’t use one without the other! Settle in!’
‘Hey Mama, I know you’re tired but self-care is important too! Here’s my 20-minute tutorial of how I get effortless beachy curls every morning. It just makes me feel like me! #selfcare’
‘Hey Mama, happy world breast-feeding week. Do you know that breast-feeding has 750 different nutrients in it, and is scientifically proven to make your child smarter, kinder and more likely to be fluent in three languages by the age of four? (But don’t do it for too long or in public!) Of course, we know fed is best #breastfeeding.’
‘Hey Mama, don’t forget – babies crave routine and schedules! Here’s an example of my schedule that works for me and that should totally work for you, because all babies are exactly the same!’
‘Hey Mama, don’t forget – babies can’t be trained and if you try, you’re just a crazy type-A career woman. Just relax!’
‘Hey Mama, do you know that every time you buy a plastic toy from [redacted], they personally go out and harpoon a whale or burn down a section of rainforest in your name? That’s why I only use organic wooden toys from Danish brand SMÜG; each one is artisanally crafted from off-cuts found in rural Nordic woodlands. Use my code, #SMÜGMAMA, to get 15% off!’
‘Hey Mama, city life not for you? Come learn how to #rewild your family like we did – we live off the land, grow our own food and home school our seven children. #wildandpreciouslife #earthmama.’ [Accompanying photo: The most Children of the Corn family you’ve ever seen; Trust fund that actually pays for this lifestyle… not pictured]
‘Hey Mama, need some alone time? Try waking up at 5am every morning to do some gentle yoga, drink a homemade matcha and write five things in your gratitude journal. Why sleep, when you could just be grateful instead? Use my code, #GRATEFULMAMA, to get 15% off your own artisanally crafted gratitude journal. Remember – you can’t pour from an empty cup!’
‘Hey Mama, scared that you won’t feel like yourself after having a baby? Don’t worry – after I gave birth to my third child, I ran a marathon the very next month. You can do this, Queen! #warriormama.’
‘Hey Mama, mental load getting you down? I feel you. Sometimes I ask my husband to do the shopping for me once a month – give the missus a break, ha! – or ask him to unload the dishwasher, even if I have to show him how, lol! Husbands can only ever be useless and absolutely not contributing members of the household!’
‘Hey Mama, if you’re looking around at your messy house and feeling overwhelmed, remember – to everything there is a season and this too shall pass.’ [Accompanying photo: immaculate, entirely beige nursery, with one wooden toy lying on the ground, artfully.]
‘Hey Mama, don’t let becoming a mother stop you from leading your best #girlboss life. Remember, you have as many hours in a day as Beyoncé, and she’s got three kids! #mamaboss.’
‘Hey Mama, don’t feel guilty for taking time out for you, even if every second you spend away from your child you obviously miss them so much you stare at photos of them and only talk about them. Enjoy yourself (but not too much, you’re a Mum.) #mumguilt #guilt #guiltymama #whyareyounotathome.’
‘Hey Mama, even though you existed for many decades without a child, don’t forget that now you have one, they have to be your entire personality and focus forever, because even though we talk a lot about #balance and #selfcare, what we really mean is that you’re a mum now and that every single thing about your life has to be viewed through this one lens! Subscribe to my newsletter for more advice on how to be the best mama you can!’
