On the same day that Capsule reader Belle had an IVF embryo transfer appointment, she volunteered to be the one taking a friend to get an abortion. What came next came as a surprise – particularly as she ended up losing a friend, but not the one you may have guessed…
Welcome to our series, The Motherhood Diaries – a safe space for you to share your experiences, advice, hopes and heartbreaks. We’ll be hearing from industry experts giving practical advice alongside Capsule readers (You!) sharing your firsthand experiences. We’re looking at everything from fertility, trying to conceive, pregnancy, the fourth trimester, newborns, toddlers, children’s mental health and teenagers, fertility issues and everything in between!
On only their second date, Belle and Trent brainstormed names for their future children. They both wanted to have several kids – Belle, because she was an only child and liked the idea of having a more boisterous home than she’d grown up in, and Trent, because he was one of six (yes, six) and wanted to recreate what he’d had growing up.
“One of the names we had for a boy was exactly the same,” says Belle. “That felt like kismet!”
She says, yes, it was quite ridiculously early to be talking about kids when they’d only known each other a few days, but, they instantly knew they were the perfect fit.
“It just felt right with Trent,” she says. “Right from the start. I never had any doubts that we wouldn’t be together for the long haul. And I never had a doubt that we wouldn’t have a big family.”
So, at 25 – around 18 months after they first met – they got married.
“I know a lot of people thought we were too young, but, both of our parents were married with kids by that age,” says Belle. “It didn’t work out for my parents – they divorced when I was a baby, but Trent’s parents are still happily married.”
They both wanted to start a family while they were young, but both wanted to be married before they started trying.
It’s difficult now for Belle to think back to that time. “I had no idea what was ahead,” she says. “We were both young. I thought I’d get pregnant almost immediately. Trent started buying nursery stuff as soon as we’d got married. We figured we’d have a baby on our first anniversary.”
But a year later, they’d had no luck. And, on their second anniversary, still, they’d never had a positive pregnancy test.
When one of her friends announced her pregnancy, Belle felt so excited for her, but also very envious.
“That’s what I wanted,” she says. “I was so frustrated that it wasn’t happening for us.”
It spurred her to make an appointment with her GP, who referred her to a fertility clinic. “All my blood work came back fine, so did a scan of my pelvis,” she says. “So, we waited for an appointment.”
The couple went through a series of tests to try to get to the bottom of why they weren’t conceiving, but nothing was found. They qualified for a round of government funded IVF, but because they were suffering from unexplained fertility, they would have to wait five years.
Belle was feeling more and more frustrated.
“I tried everything,” she says. “Every kind of tea and concoction -whatever people said worked for them. I wanted to stab people who told me just to relax and it would happen.”
They decided to pay themselves and do a round of IVF, they hoped it wouldn’t be long before they were watching two little lines appear on a pregnancy test. But, heartbreakingly, after going through the series of self-administered injections, the egg retrieval, the transfer – their little embryo didn’t take.
They decided to take some time out before trying with another embryo.
“It felt like that would be even more pressure, because we had created two embryos,” says Belle. “If this transfer didn’t work, we were back to square one. Paying for another round of IVF would be huge.”
But six months after the failed first attempt, Belle felt in the right headspace. She told a few close friends and her family what they were going through to lean on for support.
Then, one afternoon she was giving her best friend a lift after a group of them went to see a movie, when her friend burst into tears.
“She said she hadn’t wanted to tell me, but it felt like the elephant in the room for her,” says Belle.
Her best friend was five weeks pregnant. She’d been in an unhealthy on-off relationship that she’d finally called off, but not before getting pregnant. They’d used protection, but it obviously had somehow failed.
“I totally knew what she was going to say next,” says Belle. “She did not want to have kids until her late 30s, if at all. She’d just got out of this relationship. She was planning on doing a one-year OE.”
So, Belle said to her. “I know you. If you want to get an abortion I will totally support you.”
Then, her friend let her know she was booked in for the following week for one.
“It was the same day as my embryo transfer,” says Belle. “Mine was in the morning, her appointment was in the afternoon.”
Belle says she couldn’t imagine there was anyone who her friend would have to take her to the appointment.
“So, I told her I would be there with her,” she says.
Her friend argued that it was too much with everything that was happening, but Belle insisted.
Little did she know then, but soon she would lose a friend – just not the one you might think.
Two days before the embryo transfer and abortion, she got a call from another one of their friends.
“She’s quite religious,” says Belle. “She’s the one who got pregnant when we were first trying. She has a few kids now.”
Her friend had found out what was happening and was concerned – as well as quite judgmental of the situation.
“I’ll never forget it,” says Belle. “First she asked if I was sure I wanted to do that and that it was wrong. Then she said, ‘aren’t you worried that it might jinx you?!’ I felt so freaking mad.”
But then came the final straw for Belle.
“It felt very offensive,” she says. “She said, ‘I can’t believe she hasn’t at least offered you the baby.’ I got so mad and said, ‘I don’t want her baby! I want my baby!’”
Belle says the exchange brought about the end of their friendship – she still sees her if there’s a group situation, but they keep their distance and have rarely spoken one-on-one since.
“Everything she said was so insensitive,” says Belle. “I’ll never get over it.”
Thankfully for Belle, her story has a happy ending.
“I ended up feeling so calm the day of the transfer,” she says. “My husband and I went to the appointment and it all seemed to go well. Then I went home, waited a few hours then picked up my friend. I was so glad I could be there for her when she really needed someone who loved her.”
“I can imagine some people would find it weird – my husband was a bit worried about me doing it – but, I don’t know, I didn’t think about it in terms of being this embryo situation and more that here was my friend who had a problem, a big emotional problem, and just needed someone to drive her and hold her hand.”
And, a month later, her best friend was the first person she called when Belle and her husband watched two little lines finally appear for them.
“In the end it was worth waiting until I was 31 to have a baby,” she says. Although the hardest part was having her best friend overseas for the second half of her pregnancy.
But in good news, Belle and her husband have been dealt another surprise – with their first child not quite one, they recently learned they’re expecting a second.
“We assumed we’d have to be one and done, but it looks like the universe had other plans,” she says. “I’m excited and a bit scared, but my best friend is going to be home in time to throw me a baby shower, so I can’t wait for that.”
