As if grieving isn’t difficult enough, for many the accompanying guilt adds an additional dimension that can be crippling. Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be that way – there are ways of thinking and acting that can help. Dr Lucy Hone, author of the hugely popular Resilient Grieving and the co-director of New Zealand Institute of Wellbeing & Resilience, explains how.
Guilt often emerges as a response to feelings of responsibility or regret associated with your loss. While quite a natural emotion and response to grief, guilt can stifle recovery, hamper daily functioning, and interfere with key relationships – not to mention the detrimental impact on the relationship with those we have lost.
In the work I do, supporting clients to identify what works for them in bereavement, I’ve heard people describe a dizzying array of reasons to feel guilty, including:
- I wish I’d spent more time with them
- I wish I’d told them I loved them more
- I struggle with the guilt of having a good time when they can’t
- What if I’d stopped them from going out that night?
- I hate myself for moving on with life and leaving them behind
- I blame myself for not being more assertive over their hospital care
- If I’d just hugged her a minute longer, she’d still be here
- It’s not fair that I can make new memories when they are missing out
- I can’t tell you how much regret I have over how I reacted, what I said, what I did…
- Why didn’t I ask them these things when they were still here?
Understandably, the weight of these emotions can feel overwhelming. Remember, it’s okay to feel the full spectrum of emotions without shame or judgment, including guilt, regret and anger – even the most resilient people experience all emotions, there’s no such as good and bad emotions. What you don’t want is for your guilt (over the past) to ruin how you feel and function in the future.
Here are some things that may help:
Talk it through: Identify someone you trust, who’s opinion you respect and bravely share how you feel. Whether it’s a friend, family member, colleague, or counsellor, talking it through – bravely sharing your thoughts and feelings externally – can be extremely cathartic. Research shows most people are much kinder to others than they are to themselves; we can be downright nasty, unreasonable, and unrealistic in the privacy of our own heads. Getting it out can help you see things from differently.
Accept the good: Try not to become obsessed by just one side of the relationship – make a determined effort to focus on the good moments, memories and experiences too, as well as acknowledging the challenges.
It takes two: If you have regrets concerning questions unanswered, conversations had, or words left unsaid, remember it takes two. You could not have known what was on their mind, what they were experiencing, or what they were thinking about. You’re not a mind-reader; there was no way to know what would happen, when, how or why, you’re not psychic. Forgive yourself past arguments and discretions, you were not the only player here: it takes two to make a relationship, and every relationship is different, along with different context and circumstances.
Check your thinking: Did you do the best with the information you had at the time? Did you do what you can? If you couldn’t be there all the time, why was that? Who/what else were you attending to? Was that important too?
Write it out: Getting your thoughts and feelings down on paper can help relinquish guilt and regret. It’s also a great way to connect with your loved one – tell them how you feel, share what you’re thinking, get it all down. Writing helps order our thoughts: multiple studies have demonstrated the power of getting our thoughts out of our heads and on to a page. Don’t worry about punctuation, time lines or repetition and revision, just pour it all out, as often as you like.
My ‘Two What Ifs Rule’: After our daughter was killed in a tragic road accident, to reduce the guilts and helplessness, I invented what I refer to as my ‘two what ifs rule’. What if I hadn’t arranged that weekend away? What if I hadn’t said yes to her getting in our friends’ car that day? Two ‘what ifs’ was my daily limit. I’d catch myself on the third, and stop that runaway train of destructive thinking by asking myself, ‘honestly, Lucy, is thinking like this helping or harming you?’
Guilt is a natural emotion, but don’t let it define your relationship with the person you lost, nor allow it to spill over and harm other relationships. It can be helpful to consider the ‘opportunity costs’ of blame, guilt, and regret here – what else could you lose, who might be suffering with neglect, or feeling lonely while you obsess over what’s happened?
Don’t damage your living relationships with ruminations over dead loved ones. Don’t lose what you have, to what you have lost.
*Dr Lucy Hone, is an adjunct senior fellow at the University of Canterbury, and has just updated her iconic book, Resilient Grieving (published by Allen & Unwin, RRP: $24.99) available in store and online now.
