Relationship ultimatums are often issued in the heat of the moment – and, we often hear of them quickly backfiring. But, can there actually be a good time and a good way of delivering one, that can end up really improving your relationship? We talk to an expert, plus, two Capsule readers who have either given an ultimatum or been on the receiving end of one.
Welcome to our series, The Love Diaries – a space for you to share your experiences, advice, fairy-tale endings, setbacks and heartbreaks. We’ll be hearing from industry experts giving practical advice alongside Capsule readers (You!) sharing your firsthand experiences with love – from the woman who cheated on her husband with a work colleague, one woman’s temptation now the love of her life is finally single (although she’s not), and the woman who forced her husband to choose between her and his girlfriend.
When she was 28, Marie issued an ultimatum to her boyfriend of 10 years: Propose to her, or she was done.
“I had a plan of how I wanted my life to go,” says Marie. “My timeline was to have my first kid at 30 and my second at 33. I wanted to be married and own a home by the time kids came along, so I was working back from that. Hilarious, right?”
Marie says she thought she was well on track, having luckily met the man she believed to be the love of her life, when she was only 18.
“But 10 years later, he hadn’t proposed,” she says. “We went on this amazing holiday for our 10-year anniversary, and I assumed – because I’d dropped hints and he knew the timeline I was working towards! – that he was going to ask.”
When he didn’t, Marie says she kind of lost the plot.
“It ruined the holiday,” she says. ‘And it ruined the relationship.”
She told her boyfriend that he had to propose, or the relationship was over – and he told her that he refused to “be forced” into proposing, so the pair went their separate ways once they got back home.
“Looking back, it wasn’t the right thing,” she says. “He wasn’t the right guy for me, we were too young. And, God has had the last laugh because I’m 46, unmarried, but have been in a relationship for 10 years and have three stepdaughters and two sons of my own. Completely off my timeline!”
Meanwhile, in Wellington, Kylie says an ultimatum completely changed the direction of her life – however, in her case, she was on the receiving end of one, rather than dolling it out.
“My partner at the time, Geoff, who I had been with for five years was always uncomfortable with me being friends with my ex-husband,” says Kylie.
“My ex and I had got together when we were 14. That’s insane, I know. We got married when we were 19 and it was over by the time we were 22.”
They barely spoke a word to each other for four years, but then, they got back in touch and realised that they were like soul mates, just not in a romantic way.
“We grew up together,” says Kylie. “He’s really my brother – that’s how I see him. The idea of ever kissing him… even saying that makes me shudder. It’s not our relationship. We’re so similar, but also so very different.”
But, Geoff – who came on the scene about a year after Kylie and her ex became friends again – didn’t see it that way.
“He was under that way of thinking that a man and woman can never just be friends,” she says. “It made him so angry whenever we did anything together – even if he was with us.”
Four years down the track, things came to a head. The pair were engaged and were discussing their wedding one night when Kylie talked about her ex being at the wedding.
“He lost it,” she says.
He issued Kylie an ultimatum: it was her ex, or him. Not just at the wedding, but moving forward. When they were married, he didn’t want her ex in their lives.
“Geoff thinks I chose my ex, but the truth is I didn’t choose one over the other, I just didn’t choose Geoff,” Kylie says. “The fact he wanted to control my life and felt so threatened and angry, really turned me off the relationship.”
Issuing an ultimatum is often playing with fire – but they often come at a point in the relationship when, at least one of the two, feels they have few other options.
Relationship expert and divorce coach Bridgette Jackson says she has seen many, many couples in a state of crisis, and many of them have issued an ultimatum at some point.
“Issuing one is often a sign of desperation,” she says. “They feel desperate to get what they want from their relationship partner. An ultimatum is often issued for self-preservation. An example is that they continuously feel unfulfilled around the topic for which the ultimatum has been issued; or it could be a wider issue around not feeling fulfilled in the relationship.”
And often, it’s women who are giving the ultimatum. Bridgette says that in 75% of cases where one has been given, it’s come from a woman.
“It seems to be a common theme – and one I see every day – that men will generally be willing to stay in a less than adequate relationship,” says Bridgette. She says this is backed up by the fact that 70% of divorces are initiated by women.
She says ultimatums around cutting off contact with someone or getting married are fairly common ones. She also regularly hears them around going to counselling and giving up drugs/alcohol. There’s often threatening ones too she hears, like “If you leave me I will take the kids to live with my family in XXX” or “If you don’t let me stay in the family home you will have less access to your children”
But can issuing an ultimatum ever be a good idea?
“Well, it depends,” says Bridgette. “They can be helpful or harmful and the answer is based on the intention by the person issuing the ultimatum and how it has been communicated.”
“There are also, healthy and unhealthy ultimatums,” she says. “The difference between a healthy and unhealthy ultimatum is when and how they are given.”
Bridgette says that an unhealthy one will be given when the time simply isn’t right – maybe it’s in the middle of an argument when emotions are running high. When done in the heat of the moment, an ultimatum can feel more threatening.
A healthy one could be one given during a conversation or calm moment where both parties are listening to each and being respectful.
So, you’ve been issued an ultimatum
If you ever find yourself on the receiving end of one, Bridgette’s advice is to stay calm and get more information.
“It is natural at first to feel slightly threatened when given an ultimatum, even when it is a fair one,” she says. “Our natural reaction usually stems from protecting ourselves rather than from a place of understanding.”
She recommends seeking further clarification, getting as much information as possible to make your decision, make clear what the time frames are, and then let your partner know you need time to consider it.
Bridgette does advise you to be very wary if you’ve been offered a toxic or extreme ultimatum, which she considers to be a serious red flag in a relationship.
“One example of a toxic ultimatum is around self-harm or harm to others,” she says. “Leaving someone who displays behaviour is difficult but not impossible – in this case you need to create a plan that involves people you absolutely trust and reach out to professional support services in the community to help you.”
So, you’re thinking about issuing an ultimatum?
If there’s a problem in your relationship that you’ve been trying to resolve for quite some time now, and continuously find yourself coming up against a brick wall, an ultimatum might be something you’ve considered. But, is it the right move, and is there a good way of going about it? Bridgette sure thinks so – here she delivers her eight tips to anyone considering issuing one.
- Are you the right match? This might feel a heavy question but is one that you should ask yourself, depending on what the ultimatum is about. If the ultimatum is around taking the next step in the relationship, or having children, or buying a house as an example, you need to consider if you are both aligned. Sometimes one partner can be resistant to take the next step in the relationship because there’s a compatibility or alignment issue. They may be happy the way things are, and not actually want or the need to change things.
- Are you patient with your partner’s process? You need to ask yourself if you have made efforts to steer the relationship as you both intended. Have you allowed your partner to align their goals and wishes with yours, have you considered their emotional journey in the relationship? And have you previously had a discussion around the topic so your partner knows that this is important to you?
- How is the communication between you both? At the start of your relationship did you both talk about common goals and shared interests? Have you both maintained open and honest conversations to ensure mutual understanding in your relationship – this is important to consider before proceeding to an ultimatum.
- Do you need time to reflect? Is the topic rushing you? Is your ultimatum focused around something you want now, while your partner doesn’t know how you really feel? Have you reflected on why it is so important to you and what your partner’s reservations are?
- Have you been clear on what you want? Have you been honest with your partner about what you are wanting or needing from them or the relationship, or are you expecting them to just know? Do you think they are neglecting your needs on purpose? You should also look at what they are trying to give you and your relationship.
- Are you someone who needs to have things their way? While this question might feel a bit confronting, you need to be honest with yourself, when self-reflecting. Are you someone who does want to have things you way, or the highway? Is this a pattern or genuinely heartfelt? Would you be forcing your partner into something they are not ready for or would your ultimatum just be assisting them to decide or overcome a barrier?
- Does your relationship need help? Sometimes a couple can find it difficult to communicate effectively on what might be a sensitive topic and this can hinder progress and moving forward. When that happens it is a good idea to seek professional advice. Consulting a qualified professional such as a relationship counsellor, Divorce Coach or psychologist can result in a relationship transformation
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