Keen on hitting the ground running when it comes to your dating life this summer? Yass, girl – but you might need to have a little hui with yourself before you dive into your hot girl summer vibes. Are you suffering from betterment burnout?
Capsule x Bumble (click here for our previous Bumble Diaries!)
32-year-old Wellingtonian Chloe* has been on a journey of self-improvement over the last few months.
She’s up at 5.30am each day to cycle through her morning routine – yoga, journal, walk, skincare, coffee – to ensure she’s “being her best self”.
She goes to work. She comes home. She heads out on a date.
She’s bloody exhausted.
“Midway through last year I made a deal with myself to really push myself to be better,” she tells Capsule. “I wasn’t happy with who I was and I thought by absolutely smashing some self-care I’d like myself a little more, which could only be a good thing for all areas of my life.”
Including dating?
“Yeah of course and yeah, it’s probably the main reason I’ve wanted to change things up. I’ve been single for three years now and I haven’t been having much luck because I didn’t feel like the person I was – or still am if I’m completely honest – would be all that attractive to a guy. It’s like what Ru Paul says, right? ‘If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love anyone else?’
“But now I feel like if I’m not ticking off all of these things on my list I’m somehow failing and I don’t want to take the leap and put myself out there – which is f***ing scary enough – if I’m feeling like a failure. But who’s going to love me if I’m not my best self?”
Welcome to 2024’s niggliest new dating trend, betterment burnout and ooosh, she’s a real bitch to get your head around. Betterment burnout happens when you are determined to better yourself in order to find a partner – and that determination leads to exhaustion and feelings of inadequacy.
Says Bumble APAC Communications Director (and all around dating oracle) Lucille McCart, betterment burnout is a tricky beast to tame – and while self-improvement is laudable, it needs to be done for the right reasons – NOT for someone else.
“It’s really interesting to think about this age of self-help we live in, and SO much of it is so beneficial,” she says. “But we need to consider the motivation behind why we’re doing these things and whether its for our own benefit, or to try and make ourselves into the type of person we think we should be – and if we’re living in the hope that this will make us more appealing in a relationship, or a more valuable person in general.”
Bumble APAC Communications Director Lucille McCart
As we’ve harped on about before on Capsule we’re huge fans of a morning routine and ticking off healthy self-care points during the day. But, as Lucille says, it’s when we’re actually not doing these things for ourselves (and Mama Ru) that the drive for betterment becomes toxic, rather than helpful.
When taken too far, betterment journeys have led the majority of singles (55%) to feel pressure to constantly look for ways to better themselves, leaving 1 in 4 (24%) feeling unworthy of a partner.
But this year singles are rebelling against the constant self-improvement with more than 2 in 3 women surveyed (68%) taking active steps to be happier with who they are here and now. In fact, 40% of women will now only date people who will not try to change them – guys, while we’re happy about this, can we work on getting this to 100%!?
“Any steps to self-improvement should be done with the knowledge and desire that you’re wanting to make changes for your own benefit,” nods Lucille. “When it comes to the thinking of, ‘well, I want to improve myself so I can get a boyfriend’, you’re not coming from a healthy place. The idea that you have to love yourself before you get into a relationship is also a really complex topic because that can be so, so hard and if you don’t have that, it can make the thought of being in a relationship impossible. When in reality, romantic love can be achieved while you’re learning to love yourself, by being loved by someone else.
“And then, at the same time, I was listening to a podcast our CEO was on the other day and she said a line that’s really resonated with me – ‘you never attract relationships of a higher quality than your self-esteem’. So it’s a balance between the two. You need to make yourself happy and be open to magic opportunities, but at the same time you attract people that match your vibration.”
The quest for perfection before launching herself into the dating world has been something Chloe has been mindful of since she started dating again in 2022 following the end a four-year relationship.
“The break-up was pretty rough and left me in a vulnerable place and I really didn’t feel I was ‘good enough’ to find another guy,” she admits. “I think that’s where this drive to be amazing and put together and the ‘dream girl’ has come from and while I genuinely do think that I’m doing a lot of it for me and my health, I have let my self-esteem suffer with it because I’m realising now that I’m never going to achieve perfection. I’m never going to be the perfect girl and looking back I’ve ended promising matches because I just didn’t think he would be into me in my current state.”
So, how to conquer betterment burnout? You need to examine your motivations for why you’re doing what you’re doing, says Lucille.
“Yeah, like if you want to get up super-early and join the 5am club like the rest of TikTok, sure – go for it,” Lucille says. “If that makes you feel good, amazing. But don’t do it because that’s what’s expected of you or you see it on social media.
“Women especially play into these trends a lot. I have certainly gone through periods of my life where I haven’t been very comfortable with my body image and that’s impacted how much I dated, or when I went on dates. I’d think ‘ooh, I’m not in my best body now, I’ll wait until I’m better and then I’ll start dating’ and that’s so damaging – you miss out on things that can bring you a lot of joy, because your inner monologue is telling you that you don’t deserve it. Also, the more you date the more you meet different types of people, and the more you realise that your body really has nothing to do with it.
“So, let go of the pressure that you’re putting on yourself. You do not have to be perfect to be loved.”
This story has been produced with the support of our partner Bumble. Every click, like, share and comment supports Capsule’s work and our commitment to keeping our content free. Thank you for supporting independent, female-owned media! 💛