The term ‘wifey material’ isn’t cute. It’s patronising, demeaning and potentially harmful, argues Sarah Lang.
The term ‘wifey material’ highly aggravates me. I’ve read the term on social media and elsewhere online. I’ve seen it said on TV. I even overheard it IRL as two men talked at a cafe. “No! Don’t say it! I’m blocking my ears!”, I said. Well, I said that in my head, but maybe I should have said it out loud.
So here is my plea: could we please abolish this term? Because ‘wifey material’ is NOT a cutesy thing to say. It’s a sexist thing to say. It sets criteria for what women should be like and not be like, and what women should do and not do. In fact, you have to walk a tightrope to qualify as ‘wifey material’: for instance, being both well-organised and spontaneous, or for being thin but also always totally down for burgers and fries.
What makes me maddest is that the term is often used to suggest that certain women AREN’T ‘wifey material’.
Reality TV & ‘Wifey Material’
In a British Vogue article called “Breaking Down The Wildly Sexist Logic Behind The Phrase ‘Wifey Material’”, Bella Mackie writes that “recently on Love Island, some of the men talked about one of the contestants as ‘wifey material’… What is wife material, really? It seems to be more strongly defined by the characteristics a woman must not possess instead of the ones she should.”
“The guys in Love Island don’t say it, but reading between the lines (it’s not hard) you should not be flirty, or too emotional, or overly opinionated. You must not mind if your beloved acts out or upsets you. A little cry will be tolerated (might even be seen as sweet!) but quick forgiveness is required. Don’t be sharp or demanding lest you become a nag and therefore doomed to a life of spinsterhood. Don’t be clingy! But don’t be detached. Know the line and tow it perfectly at all times.”
“What must you be? Sweet seems to be a priority. Attracted only to your partner but not a nympho, that would be off-putting. Innocent, whatever that means.”
The term ‘wifey material’ makes my acquaintance Luana Scowcroft “so mad. It’s used frequently on MAFS [Married at First Sight] and Love Island as something to aspire to. Impressive, beautiful women hoping someone sees them as ‘wifey material’. No hate on [towards] the shows, just the gross concept.”
‘A Submissive Mindreader’
The term ‘wifey material’ isn’t just being used on reality-tv shows. It’s big on social media. There’s the popular Instagram hashtag #wifeymaterial. Meanwhile, TikTok has its own ‘wifey material’ channel with various videos.
In one video, a man wags his finger to mansplain that ‘wifey material’ is a woman who does nice things for you without you needing to ask, and “without you having to give her [anything] or spoil her for it”. So, a mindreader who gets nothing in return? The video, which shows a woman vacuuming while a man lays on the couch, has had a million views.
In another video on that Tiktok channel, Iman Gadzhi, a British entrepreneur, motivational speaker, online educator and philanthropist says, “I need a girl who is submissive. That will trigger a lot of people and I use that word specifically because submitting to a man is an incredibly powerful thing and I think it’s an incredibly beautiful thing” because the woman is saying to a man ‘I trust you on this’.” Iman, I don’t trust you not to take away a women’s agency.
Also, on social media and Reddit, some women have posted photos of themselves, asking if they’re wifey material. This makes me sad.
Down the Reddit-hole
There are way too many wifey material threads on Reddit. I advise you not to go there, so here are some ‘highlights’.
One thread, which asks ‘Men of Reddit’ to describe wifey material, gets 368 comments. Here’s an answer from ‘digitalskyfire’. “I have to be confident that she can fill all the roles that I’ll need throughout our lives. 1) Lover. 2) Confidant 3) Mother of our children. Has she demonstrated over the course of our relationship she can do all these things to my satisfaction? If so I’d marry that woman. And I did.”
Digitalskyfire, are you matching that energy? Are you filling the roles she needs, to her satisfaction? And did (or will) she get any weeks off from being a lover to be a new mother?
Here are some other Redditors describing ‘wifey material’:
- “Someone who says ‘I’m sorry. I was wrong and it’s my own fault’.”
- “Someone who is willing to do whatever to make you happy.”
- “She doesn’t see me as an ATM”.
- “Submissive and feminine.”
- “She brings you lasagna to work.”
Lasagna? WTF?
Another man, presumably allergic to punctuation, lists these requirements: “Loyal Honest Frugal Clean Organized Does not suck at life… No STIs No Children No debt she expects me to pay off. Surface level: cooks, cleans, has a great relationship with her family, makes an effort to look pretty in front of you, takes care of herself by going to the gym and eating healthy, doesn’t entertain other men. Deeper level: kind, nurturing, dependable, patient, trustworthy, non-judgmental.”
Non-judgmental, mate? I’m won’t reply to any of these commenters on Reddit, but if I did, I’d tell these guys that they should just put out some job ads – and also that no one will be responding to them.
Thankfully a few guys on these threads said they disliked the term wifey material. One said “first, make sure you are husband material”. Thankyou, sir.
What Do Women Think Of ‘Wifey Material’
Does the term ‘wifey material’ bother anyone else? I asked some New Zealand women and the answer was yes.
Kirsty* says, “Why is ‘wifey material’ always framed as somehow in service to the man? It’s never wanting a partner who knows their own mind, has healthy boundaries, has a range of interests, is passionate about XYZ, is career focused, is intelligent, funny, is a decent human being, is my best friend.” Kirsty is an archivist; maybe she can help archive the term ‘wifey material’.
Rachel Evans says: “It [wifey material] is certainly a way of controlling or moderating a potential partner or spouse’s behaviour. It’s also gross how it categorises some people for fun and some as serious relationship material.”
Alison James says: “I hate how when a CIS woman is good at something, people comment ‘somebody wife her up’ like we only exist to serve that function.”
Melissa* says that, “I’ve seen social-media responses [generally while watching Instagram reels on Facebook] to some of these takes [including wifey material]; comments by guys and some women.” She tries not to engage. “I can’t articulate my rage, fear, sadness, and disgust around this. I’m single and don’t want to even step back onto the market because I can’t stand some of the shit that’s normalised in social media.”
Internalised misogyny?
This term ‘wifey material’ can infiltrate how we feel about ourselves. Cassie* tells me that “with much shame, I admit I’ve told myself that I’m just not good ‘wifey material’ or ‘wife material’. I’ve had three failed long-term relationships and none of them have resulted in getting married. I have in the past wondered why I wasn’t good enough for them to ‘pop the question’ and thought to myself: ‘I clean, I can cook, I’ve had their children, I mow the lawn, maintain my own car and can fix things around the house, so why won’t they see these qualities in me? What am I lacking?”.
Cassie now tells herself it’s a “them problem” not a “me problem.” “But every now and then the doubt kicks me in the guts. Why are we conditioned to think these things are what makes us worthy of getting that commitment from a man?”
Few of us are totally immune. Bella Mackie, who wrote the British Vogue article about her dislike of the term ‘wifey material’, writes this toward the end of her article: “I don’t think I am particularly good wife material actually. A raging anxiety disorder, a penchant for being too blunt and a tendency towards moodiness probably aren’t qualities most men would rate highly on their list. But none of it really matters, not when you meet a grown-up who just really likes you and not a wildly misogynistic man-child who prizes purity and meek manners over actual compatibility.”
Yes, wildly misogynistic man-children should piss off. But Bella also (at least briefly) questions whether she is wifey material. And I get it, because writing this story about ‘wifey material’ has made me feel a little ‘less than’. When I realised this, I thumped my desk
So, men, please don’t use the term ‘wifey material’. And as women, perhaps we can ask men not to use it, even though we – sigh – shouldn’t need to ask men not to put us in boxes.
