Sunday, April 14, 2024

TBH, I Love Love Island & Hate Love Island: The Case For & Against by ‘Basic Bitch Brodie’ and ‘Be Better Brodie’

Welcome to TBH – To Be Honest – Capsule’s monthly column with our brand-new columnist and old pal, Brodie Kane! In her latest edition, she shares her thoughts her two VERY different sides to her personality that emerge when it comes to watching Love Island.

And for her previous columns, click here!

PREVIOUSLY ON LOVE ISLAND!

It’s the same thing every time as Love’s Island’s hilarious narrator Iain Sterling yells down the telly to me when I tune into yet another episode, and I reluctantly allow myself to fall back into the Love Island rabbit hole for yet another season. 

BUT WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF? Honestly as time goes on, I’m finding it harder and harder to answer that question – so this isn’t just a column; it’s me trying to hash out why the hell I can’t stop watching Love Island (you’ll genuinely hear my brain ticking over as I write this while enjoying a drink from my custom-made Love Island drink bottle that TVNZ had sent me just days before). 

So for the purposes of this yarn, I’ll be existing as two people – *Basic Bitch Brodie* and *Be Better Brodie*.

In some situations, Basic Bitch Brodie and Be Better Brodie can totally coexist – my whole Frank Green water bottle saga is a classic example. I’d just been complaining about the ridiculously large FG drink bottle I’d purchased for 17 million dollars (while at the same time trying to get a mortgage, good one Brodie) and how it’s insane that Frank’s made them so bloody big they don’t fit in your car’s drink holders so now they’ve actually made cupholders for $20 a pop (PLUS postage) so Franks clearly just pissing himself all the way to the bank. 

(Don’t get my started on how people genuinely suggest buying a piece of drain from Bunnings – it blew up and they sold out thanks to TikTok – as a “hack” to fit your drink bottle in and WHY AREN’T WE ALL LOOKING BACK AT OUR DUMB DECISION TO BUY THE DUMB OVERSIZED BOTTLE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Sorry, that got really out of hand. But also, doesn’t that show Basic Bitch Brodie (bought the drink bottle in the first place) can exist with Be Better Brodie (don’t buy the dumb extra shit, and look for a more suitable drink bottle next time), who doesn’t judge Basic Bitch Brodie for getting excited for the Love Island Drink Bottle??? Wow the brain.

Anyway, I’m back watching Love Island with my Love Island drink bottle. And I swear everytime I watch it, I can feel the brain cells leaving my lid in those first few episodes with every utterance of the below: 

“Hi, I’m Jess, I’m 22 and I’ve been single for two years”

“What’s your type on paper?”

“I’m not gonna lie…”

“This is a test”

“My head turned”

“Eggs in one basket”.

Be Better Brodie is wondering why Basic Bitch Brodie is doing this to her all over again.

I used to be able to have an answer: “It’s just light-hearted mindless telly” and “It’s escapism” and “You don’t have to be intellectual all the bloody time.”

But seriously, when I’m sitting there watching the Love Island “challenges” and the lads are running around with their meat and veg bouncing dangerously around in God-awful teeny tiny hot pants offering absolutely zero support as they pash-guess what embarrassing things the girls have done in their past, and the heart rate monitors test how hot and panty the guys get when suddenly, every season, the girls miraculously know how to put on a full scale performance right out of Stripper School (side note: that is NOT me shaming strippers – but seriously, HOW do they all know how to dance like that?!??!) – I start to think, “what on earth is going on that this is what I need to escape to?” and, “Is this actually light-hearted, because how is me sitting here watching skinny hot people in bikinis not light on my heart at all?”.

And then Basic Bitch Brodie tells Be Better Brodie to take a breath, calm down and not take everything so seriously, it’s just a reality TV show. And, you don’t have to watch it!

Which is exactly what I did about four years ago with MAFS. Twas the season with Jess and Dan, and it honestly got so awful (and amazingly I hear/read it the show continues to get worse and worse), so yucky, so toxic that 90 minutes a night, three nights a week watching people being horrible to each other was not for me anymore. Basic Bitch Brodie and Be Better Brodie were out.

But I haven’t got there with Love Island yet. I’m still happy enough to sit there as Basic Bitch Brodie and Be Better Brodie co-exist as the girls vie for the next Pretty Little Thing ambassadorship and the boys try to out-Boohoo.com each other.

SO what am I trying to say here? I think it is that, I love Love Island and I hate Love Island. And I think that we can ultimately agree that the world will keep spinning if I watch it, or if I stop. I think we can also agree you can be a smart person and enjoy dumb shit. And in fact in this world we live in, make sure you do find dumb shit to enjoy. Because it’s really noisy out there with all the serious shit.

Kind regards,

Be Better Brodie and Basic Bitch Brodie

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