Can partners with big differences make it work? And if so, how? Sarah Lang looks into the question of do opposites attract?
When Aucklanders Kate* and Jake* met through a mutual friend while in their late 20s, that friend never thought they would get together – let alone last as a couple – because they seemed so different. But 10 years later here they are, married with two young children.
‘We’ve been together 22 years this year, so… but f**k it’s hard work’
Kate (now 36) and Jake (now 39) have many differences. “I’m interested in books, writing, and human psychology,” Kate says, “whereas he’s a scientist who likes to read technical documents in his field. He has a wide general knowledge, whereas I’m more of a people person who picks up on social cues better. I’m definitely more extroverted – I joke that I’m our social secretary. I’m an open book, whereas he’s more guarded. He’s very practical – he’s better at working out what needs to be done big picture, and I’m better at getting day-to-day things done.”
However, they have many similarities. “We find the same things funny. We have similar liberal political views. We’re both atheists. We’re both fairly frugal, though we spend on life-enhancing things like holidays and a good brunch. We’re on the same page with parenting – not too strict, not too lax.”
“Those similarities help us make our relationship work, whereas maybe some of our differences help us to balance each other out. I’m more chaotic and he’s steadier, which definitely helps me. He can be really intense and I think I help him to be slightly more chill. That said, we annoy each other fairly often!”
What Counts As A Difference?
One half of a couple can be slightly or very different to the other half in various ways. Perhaps there’s a pessimist and an optimist, an extrovert and an introvert, a daydreamer and a ‘doer’. You could have different political, social or religious views; different everyday habits (such as larks vs night owls); different levels of sensitivity and ‘emotional-ness’; different attitudes to money and spending; different health and energy levels; different preferences for alone time, PDA and sex.
Sometimes opposites attract. As Lauren Korshak, a therapist, former matchmaker and author, says: “people are often attracted to [people with] qualities that are either lacking or less prominent in themselves”. Perhaps a shy person is drawn to someone charismatic. Novelty can play a part too.
Can Opposites Make It Work Long-Term?
In a Psychology Today article called ‘Do Opposites Really Attract?’, psychologist Dr Clifford Lazarus (a renowned researcher and author) has drawn some conclusions backed up by sound evidence, his own experience helping couples, and anecdotal information from peers in his field.
He writes that “if there is an attraction between two very different people, it will be unlikely to stand the test of time, because compatibility and genuine long-term intimacy are usually based on similarities, not differences”.
He adds that four “major zones of compatibility that can help predict if a marriage or loving relationship will last”. Here’s a summary of each.
- World view. “When it comes to major issues such as managing and spending money, how to raise children, and strong political views (to name only a few), a like-minded couple will be better off than one with very divergent beliefs and values.”
- Basic activities. “When couples enjoy many of the same activities, and engage in them together, their overall marital satisfaction is generally good… however when both members of the dyad have some outside interests, it stimulates and enhances the relationship.”
- Sexual relations. “Unsurprisingly, sexual dissatisfaction in a marriage is both common and associated with potentially serious problems”. This can include “desire discrepancies, significantly disparate sexual appetites, and turn-ons. The way to assess or manage this crucial compatibility zone is with open and honest discussion.”
- Fundamental temperament. “For instance, a very passive person will likely experience conflict and resentment if they are coupled with a very assertive partner. And a highly sensitive person will often feel abraded by a partner who has a skin as thick as a rhinoceros hide!”
Introvert Versus Extrovert
I asked some women how they make it work with partners who are pretty different from them.
Debbie*, a 40-year-old from Nelson, and her husband have two children, and definitely have some similarities. “Like our love of the outdoors, and the deep learning that’s gained from outdoor education. This strongly influences our parenting style and lifestyle.”
They’re also opposites in many ways. “He had a more conventional upbringing, while mine was more liberal. I’m an extrovert, he’s an introvert. He’s a thinker, I’m a doer. He’s detailed, I’m big picture. I’m more of a ‘people person’, so I’m more likely to comfort the kids when they’re sad, and I sometimes remind him to get in touch with his family members.”
“But we definitely use our differences to our advantage. The best thing we ever did was to ‘split jobs’ so that we each do things we’re good at and teach the other.”
He’s better with money. “I’m terrible at remembering numbers,” Debbie says. “I’m not exactly a ‘spender,’ but I’ll often put people and needs above money. Whereas he’s a saver – frugal, detailed with money, and he’ll sometimes put money over people/needs. Meeting in the middle works with this: having a budget, a wants/needs list and a [financial] life plan. I look into things like investment, we both learn about it, then he sorts the details.”
If they have different views or approaches on anything, and can’t meet in the middle, they decide whose needs should take priority at that time.
Learning To Appreciate The Differences
Kirsty*, a 42-year-old from Auckland, says “my partner and I are at opposite ends of the introvert/extrovert scale, the sensitivity scale, and the light/heavy sleeping scale. We’ve resolved that last one, since he’s also a snorer, by sleeping in separate rooms.” (Yes, they still have sex.)
He isn’t always attuned to Kirsty’s sensitivities, but he’s working on that. “And I’ve got pretty good at not misreading [his] every mutter or frown as a catastrophe.”
“Learning that we fill our buckets in different ways has been so important for our relationship. He needs time alone, and I need social time – and we’re both pretty good at getting those things now that our kids are a bit older.”
She appreciates many things about him. “I’ve always admired that he’s not a conformist. We’re on different sides of the ‘agreeableness bell curve’ but I can begrudgingly admit that my people-pleasing tendencies are probably as problematic as his lack of awareness for social expectations. Have I shared too much? Because he and I are at different ends of the over-sharing/privacy spectrum!”
Kirsty once read something about relationships that struck her. “It was that ‘often the things that attract us to someone are the things that irk us later’. I realised they were two sides of the same coin. And I accept that coin for both of its sides.”
What Happens When Different Becomes Too Different?
Mia*, a 35-year-old from Wellington, says “my ex-husband and I were SO different in so many ways and, when we split up, many people told me they’d never really ‘understood’ us being together because we were so opposite. We grew apart, and had very different hobbies with very different people. I was into theatre with lots of creatives and gays, while he was into hunting with very straight white conservative Christian men. After we split, the thought of accidentally ending up with another ‘opposite’ again was too exhausting to entertain. I ended up meeting someone like me. Being very similar makes our differences so much easier to handle.”
When It’s Hard Work… But Worth It
Abigail*, a 44-year-old from Christchurch, says: “OMG we’re the classic chalk and cheese. I’m chaotic, colourful, loud, messy AF, a hoarder/collector. He’s quiet, calm, tidy, shy. I’m a go-getter, I love socialising and being outside more than he does. He’s a logical, rational, thinker, whereas I’m spontaneous and don’t [always] think things through.”
They have two primary-school-aged kids. “He’s ‘old-school’ with parenting, and I’m more ‘crunchy’, as in child-led parenting. He’s not [outwardly] affectionate and I hug everyone. He eats simply, while I can cook anything. He saves money and I spend it. But hey, we’ve been together 22 years this year, so… but f**k it’s hard work.”
‘We have the want. The want to choose each other.’
How do they make it work? “Honestly, right now, I think a huge part is our commitment to our kids, and our values. We’re not together for the sake of the kids, but we remind ourselves that we chose this life and we choose each other. When you have different approaches to things like money or housework, anything can be a fight, but when it’s hard, I ‘choose my hard’.”
They prioritise quality time together. “He prefers action [movies] and I’d rather read, but romcoms are something we can share. We go for walks and have date nights, so we remember to breathe, look at each and appreciate what we have. We have the want. The want to choose each other.”
