With festive events upon us, there’s gonna be plenty of chitchat. If you have a strongly held opinion that clashes with someone else’s, should you change the subject, bite your lip, or get into an argument? Or can we learn to ‘disagree well’?
Over the Christmas season, you’ll likely be socialising more than usual with family, acquaintances and workmates – whether that’s sitting at Christmas dinner next to the aunt with far-right views, talking to your manager at your Christmas work party, or sitting next to the borderline-misogynist guy from your book group at Christmas drinks.
‘We need to disagree well in order to have strong communities and a strong society.’
What are some ‘safe topics’ that you can you talk about without getting into any arguments? Some suggestions: ‘how are you going to spend the holidays?’, ‘what are your kids/grandkids interested in’ or ‘what hobbies do you have outside work?’ as opposed to, say, ‘who did you vote for and why?’.
But you might also want to talk about a hot-potato topic should someone bring it up and/or you have a strong opinion on it. How might you react if someone says something so egregious that your face turns purple? What if you want to express your thoughts about something that has huge implications, such as the government bill that, if passed, promises a comprehensive review of all legislation (aside from full and final Treaty Settlement Acts), with the aim of removing from law existing references to “the principles of the Treaty of Waitangi”.
But I’m calling it Te Tiriti o Waitangi IF THAT’S ALLOWED, THANKS. Because the government is insisting that all public-service departments and crown entities should have their primary name in English and communicate primarily in English (except for those specifically related to Māori). Should the topic come up over Christmas festivities, I would disagree with anyone who thinks this is a good idea.
And if someone expresses their support for making English an official language in New Zealand (joining Te Reo and sign language), I may say something like ‘er, in the 19th century, schools punished Māori children for speaking Te Reo, so, yeah, we already know what New Zealand’s primary language is’. If I encounter someone who thinks any of these backwards steps are a step forward, too right I’ll have something to say about it!
But how might I do this relatively calmly?
Last Christmas, someone told me that New Zealand had handled the Covid pandemic badly and that the U.K. had handled it well. I didn’t handle this comment well: I said “I couldn’t disagree more” pretty loudly and said nothing else, not wanting to potentially lose my temper. She immediately turned away to talk to another person, and that was that. I wish I’d explained why I disagreed with her (and wish I’d memorise some stats), but I was worried I might offend her.
How To Disagree Well
However strongly you feel about a topic, it doesn’t have to be a choice between a clap-back, biting your lip, changing the topic, or walking away. What if there was another way? What if we learned to ‘disagree well’? In a way that doesn’t inflame the discussion. In a way that is constructive. In a way where you try to understand the other person’s rationale for their views. Isn’t it better to meet in the messy middle than it is to be increasingly polarised in two camps?
Melody Stanford Martin, the author of Brave Talk: Building Resilient Relationships in the Face of Conflict, is also the founder of Brave Talk Project (BraveTalkProject.com), an online space for people to “learn the art of courageous dialogue and conflict transformation”.
In a Psychology Today article, Melody writes that “we should advocate passionately and articulately for causes we believe in. The goal here is not to tone ourselves down or apologize for our beliefs, but to become more effective, credible, and collaborative when we’re engaging with people who see the world differently.”
Healthy disagreement is worth the effort, Melody writes. “It is indeed possible to have a conversation with just about anyone, on just about any topic, and not lose our nerve. However, healthy disagreement doesn’t magically happen. It’s hard work. It requires skills, practice, and courage.
“The work is worth it, however, because we need to disagree well in order to have strong communities and a strong society. As we condition our conversational muscles, remember that we can’t control other people. We can’t decide who must agree with us, when, or to what extent.”
And if we know how to express an opposing opinion respectfully, we shouldn’t stay quiet simply because we’re worried we’ll offend someone. I have a long-standing theory that many New Zealanders, including me, are conflict-averse. Conflict isn’t ‘the Kiwi way’.
And so I think that many of us ‘self-edit’ and just don’t express an opposing opinion, not wanting to offend anyone. But as I once learned in a human-communication paper at university, conflict can be a good thing: it opens people’s eyes to things, and can be necessary for intellectual, emotional, even moral growth. It’s all about how you go about it.
The Art Of Healthy Disagreement
The Atlantic released an episode of its podcast Radio Atlantic called ‘How to Have a Healthy Argument’ to coincide with the American holiday of Thanksgiving, but it applies equally well to Christmas. As podcast host Hanna Rosin says, this is “a time for families to get together and, often, to disagree, in an era when a lot of us have totally lost the art of disagreeing well”.
As Hanna adds, “we’re going to have a conversation about learning to disagree better. And I know that there are some people out there who hear that and think I mean we need to be quiet or to stop protesting or just to be more polite. But it’s not that. It’s about how to talk to people you disagree with – not in a polite, avoidant way, but in a way that’s more effective, that lets everyone get something done.”
Her podcast guest was investigative journalist Amanda Ripley, author of the book High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out. Amanda tells Hanna that “I have shifted my goal in conflict. I’m not interested in resolving it. I’m also not interested in avoiding it, although I would like to sometimes.
“My goal, as a journalist and as a human, is if I can do one of three things: Can I, myself, understand the other person, the problem, or myself a little better through this encounter?”
Yet this can be difficult to do. As Hanna asks Amanda, “Why does the person who you think is harmful deserve your understanding? What is the point of that exercise? Why is that putting good in the world, for you to take the trouble to understand someone who you feel is doing harm?”.
Ripley’s answer? “Because we have kids together.” She’s not speaking literally but about the fact that we have to exist together and work together in this world. True, that.
Practical Tips On How To Disagree Well
- Take some deep breaths, relax your shoulders (yep, this actually helps), and speak as calmly as possible
- Tell the person you appreciate them sharing their perspective
- Remind yourself that everyone is entitled to their own opinion
- Listen well. Clarify exactly what they’re saying, in case you’ve misunderstood
- Look at it as a window into another person’s thinking. Consider how the person’s life experiences may inform their point-of-view
- Remember many people just want to be heard, rather than be pronounced ‘right’
- Don’t focus on proving you’re right or getting them to change their mind, because that outcome is unlikely. Just give them your point-of-view and they may think about it later
- Think of what you most want to communicate and what’s best left out
- Share details of your sources of information, like articles, books, or documentaries
- Be super-aware of the time and place – for instance stay quiet when your parent serves Christmas dinner
- Practice disagreeing with someone you’re close to trust, as a game or for real
So here’s me practising. If someone I talk to during the festive season says, for example, that the new government’s “full scale, wide-ranging, independent” review of the handling of the Covid-19 pandemic is necessary because ‘Jacinda did a shit job’ (I actually overheard someone say something similar when she resigned), my challenge would be to neither snap back, nor change the subject, nor walk away.
My challenge would be to take a deep breath, listen to the reasons for their opinion, and explain in a calm voice why I disagree, but also to fight the strong urge to try to change their minds. Instead, I might ask if I could send them a link to an article in the Guardian called ‘New Zealand’s Covid strategy was one of the world’s most successful – what can we learn from it?’’
Because we always have things to learn from each other. And not just at Christmas!
