Lorraine Candy, a 55-year-old magazine editor-turned-podcaster-turned author, talks to Capsule about navigating midlife, her experience of perimenopause, the dearth of information about it, the importance of knowing what’s to come, and how she’s amplifying her voice to talk and write about perimenopause for a generation of women who ‘grew up with her’ as magazine readers (and for other women, of course!).
Who else used to cut out clippings from Elle magazine, with its fashion, beauty, society and lifestyle stories – or pore over advice about boyfriends and orgasms in Cosmopolitan magazine? If so, you may remember columns by Lorraine Candy, who edited Elle for 12 years after it poached her from Cosmopolitan. During her 30-year editing career, Lorraine became known for revitalising magazines and addressing issues around women’s health that typically don’t receive much attention in print.
In 2020, Lorraine and her friend, former Marie Claire editor Trish Halpin, started what would become an immensely popular podcast. They wanted to focus on menopause, but chose the title ‘Postcards from Midlife’ because they didn’t want the ‘M word’ (which unfortunately still has an ick factor) to pigeonhole it, and didn’t want to be limited to that topic alone.
Over the last three years, the duo has interviewed pretty much every U.K. expert on menopause, perimenopause and HRT [Hormone Replacement Therapy], interviewed many well-known midlife celebrities, and offered advice and information on topics including healthcare, stress, burnout, career transitions, fashion, nutrition, sex, parenting, and relationships.
What does Lorraine consider ‘midlife’, I ask? “For our podcast, we’d assumed mid-40s onwards, but actually we now think late 30s, because women that age want to know what’s coming. So late 30s to about 60.”
Lorraine, who first wrote the book Mum, What’s Wrong With You? 101 Things Only Mothers of Teenage Girls Know, has just written What’s Wrong With Me? 101 Things Midlife Women Need To Know: part memoir, part expert advice, and part women’s personal stories. It’s a must-read because it makes you realise there’s SO MUCH we’re not told and SO many misconceptions about midlife – and as usual Lorraine writes in an engaging, sometimes humorous way.
The book covers midlife generally, perimenopause (including her terrifying experience), how your career can be entwined with your identity, whether you can ‘have it all’, an addiction to being busy, how to slow down, the power of saying no, finding ‘your tribe’ of female friends, juggling motherhood with menopause, sexist healthcare, female rage, female shame, body acceptance, and potentially emerging from menopause with increased energy and purpose.
As Lorraine writes: “I hope this book is a pathfinder for women of our generation: that it is a thoughtful, hopefully humorous glimpse into your possible future. I don’t have all the answers, but I am here to give you a gentle nudge towards a less overwhelming place, to motivate you by holding a torchlight on a calmer, more positive mindset.”
A Path through Perimenopause
Perimenopause can begin in your early or mid 40s and last until menopause, which is classified as one year after your last period and in New Zealand happens, on average, at age 51.
As Lorraine says, “during perimenopause your hormones, oestrogen, testosterone and progesterone, may fluctuate wildly, and because oestrogen is like petrol for the brain and body, when it disappears the physical and mental ripple effects can be hugely debilitating. There are at least 40 symptoms of perimenopause, and they range from tinnitus and joint aches to extreme anxiety, depression and even psychosis”.
When her perimenopause began, Lorraine was 47, juggling her job as editor of Sunday Times Style magazine with four kids aged between four and 13. So things were already hectic before she began experiencing symptoms and emotions including panic, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors, brain fog, melancholy, bewilderment, shame, fury, memory loss, exhaustion, overwhelm, and confusion. Unaware that it was perimenopause, Lorraine worried she was seriously ill or had a tumour or terminal illness.
‘I thought ‘if I keep going at this speed, I won’t be able to find a way through this’.’
She even fantasised about a (minor) accident that would briefly put her in a hospital bed, because she was ‘desperate for stillness’ to figure out what was going on. “I think many women fantasise about lying in bed and not having to do as much!” she says. “But when I started having all those symptoms, I thought ‘if I keep going at this speed, I won’t be able to find a way through this’. A fantasy accident may sound extreme but it was an extreme reaction to extreme physical symptoms, and midlife is a bit extreme!”
Although she wrote about her “creeping sadness”, she became “this new, unbalanced individual, one I kept secret from colleagues because I had so much to do; a whole career as an organised and successful individual seemed to be at stake”.
When the Sunday Times Style magazine went through budget cuts in 2020, Lorraine was made redundant. The woman addicted to being manically busy, and used to having a certain status, found it challenging to adjust to working from home as a writer and podcaster. But she also felt relieved. It was time for a change. Time to slow down. Time to see what was next.
De-Mystifying The Emotional Side of Menopause & Midlife
With a highly engaged community springing up around her podcast, Lorraine decided to write the book What’s Wrong With Me? 101 Things Midlife Women Need To Know to reach more women and distil the key information into one place. “We were hearing so many stories about perimenopause on the podcast, and there are some medical books by doctors, but no one had really talked about the emotional side – about women’s experiences,” Lorraine tells me. “Women were telling me they’d been doing these amazing, high-profile jobs, but were suddenly too scared to get in their cars or go out and meet people anymore.”
“I’ve got quite a big following from Elle and Cosmo magazines – women who have ‘grown up with me’ – and I just can’t bear the thought of them and other women going through perimenopause without the information and support they need,” Lorraine tells me. “I didn’t intend the book to be so personal, but actually it is, because what I went through was quite shocking and also really common. What’s shocking is so many women don’t talk about it or don’t realise other women are going through it.”
“I hope women can read the book, be aware of what’s happening or might happen, then think about their options. Could you try HRT? Could you change things in your lifestyle? I took up cold-water outdoor swimming which has a hugely positive mental effect for me. Could you get more rest in your day? Weight training is non-negotiable because osteoporosis is a massive risk for women as they age. You need to eat healthily and get enough vitamin D and magnesium. All these things will generally help you sleep better, and sleep is key.”
So, self-care? “Yes. Self-care is part of that woo woo stuff I used to hate! I used to find meditation annoying but actually, like yoga, it does help me.”
The Battle To Get Women’s Pain Taken Seriously
When Lorraine initially saw her GP, he said that, at 47, she was too young for perimenopause (he should have known that many women experience it in their 40s). He referred Lorraine to a female doctor, saying she’ll know more. “I wanted to ask ‘why? Just because she has ovaries? Should a male GP not know about this?’.”
Lorraine decided to request HRT, but it made no difference. “When I finally got prescribed the right dose by the country’s leading menopause expert [Dr Louise Newson], she was perplexed by the initial dose I’d been given. It was such a small dose, it wouldn’t have helped a perimenopausal field mouse. Dr Newson prescribed me four pumps of oestrogen and one pea-sized amount of testosterone daily. Within a week I felt better. A week.”
‘Women are supposed to endure their pain as they age, rather than seek treatment or be offered relief.’
Lorraine tells me that women have been denied HRT as part of the medical profession’s entrenched gender bias and misogyny.
“It’s shocking. This is about a patriarchal attitude towards women’s pain. The science shows this; it’s not just anecdotal. Women are supposed to endure their pain as they age, rather than seek treatment or be offered relief. Heart disease, gynaecological health, endometriosis, women being given lower pain relief in hospitals than men get. Women get ignored.”
And we’re also conditioned to not ‘make a fuss’? “Yes. You’re losing your mind, but also you can’t be any trouble and also must do everything you’ve always done.”
Lorraine cites a major U.K. study which showed that eight in 10 menopausal women said their workplace had no support in place for them: no support networks (79%), no absence policies (81%) and no information sharing with staff (79%). “Trish and I have advised many companies on how to help women in the workplace with symptoms and support. We’ve advised big corporations on policies to make changes that go beyond turning up the air conditioning in a few rooms. God knows how many times we’ve told people that hot flushes are often the least of our worries and that not every perimenopausal woman has them.”
Finding Joy In Midlife
Lorraine writes about the concept of ‘the void’ as a transitional state for midlife women. Rather than chasing ‘transformation’ (that’s a lot of pressure at an already difficult time), you could instead be open to evolution.
“The void is sort of where you pause to sort yourself out,” Lorraine tells me. “You can just sit in the void with curious optimism: slow down, ‘sit with’ what you’re feeling, be softer and kinder to yourself, feel things out. Allow yourself the space not to ‘do more’. Sometimes by ‘doing nothing’, you’re doing something important.”
“Through this, you might find where your joy is. I interviewed many women who thought that at this point they’d be travelling the world solo, or taking big jobs and, actually, they’ve realised that’s not what brings them joy – but they know what does, because they’ve gone through the void, the thinking, the emotions. One woman realised she wanted to foster puppies. So it’s about focusing less on ‘ambition’ and more on what might make you happy on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes it comes from something joyous in your childhood. Many women have said they feel much more creative and that books, writing, or the arts make them feel happy.”
‘Hearing stories from older women is incredibly important in helping us navigate our way through midlife to the wisdom beyond’
One reason Lorraine wrote the book is to counteract the dearth of stories about post-menopausal women. “When I’ve interviewed older women in all their circumstances, I’ve found they’ve got more energy, wisdom, time, headspace and often an increased libido. Hearing stories from older women is incredibly important in helping us navigate our way through midlife to the wisdom beyond.”