Wanted to get in touch with your kinky side but have no idea how – or you’re a little intimidated? Sexologist Morgan Penn is here to help!
Exploring the world of kink can feel naughty because it’s still pretty taboo. But for many of us, kink is a big piece of our sex lives. For the adventurous, there’s a whole world of different sexual experiences waiting to be discovered once you shake off the shame and societal judgements.
Stigma has forced kink to be largely underground in Aotearoa, which can make it difficult to know where to start if you’re curious. You don’t need to be in a relationship to start exploring your tastes, in fact I believe having a great sex life starts with you and your body.
Cultivating an expansive sexual relationship starts with allowing ourselves to indulge our desires.
So, here are four steps I recommend for starting your kink journey:
Step One – Discover your desires
Sometimes this is the hardest part. But we all have a core erotic theme – something in us that triggers a turn on – and it’s about discovering what that is for you.
I recommend thinking about the hottest sexual encounter you have had and figure out which elements made it hot. Was it the chance of being caught? Did you like being restrained? Did you like that there was some dirty talk or role play? And if you haven’t been very adventurous, google “kinks” and see how your body responds as you read about them. Your body will give you all the information you need.
You can try pulling your own hair or touching yourself in a different way. You can put on some sexy lingerie to see if that feels good. It’s no secret I love sexy lingerie… just peruse my instagram feed for an eyeful! Lingerie doesn’t have to be for somebody else. It can be just for you, but in the same vein what a delicious treat for a partner!
Step Two – Create safety and boundaries
The easiest and clearest way to create safety would be sharing your desires and fears, and creating boundaries out of those two pieces.
It’s important to feel heard around what your desires are in that moment. People often discover something they like sexually and expect they will like that every time they turn up for a sexy session. But we show up differently every day, with different levels of openness and kinkiness, stress levels and likes and dislikes. Really feel into what your heart would desire in that moment. Same goes with fears, share the fear, no matter how small or as silly or obvious as you think it is. Once it is voiced you will feel so much better and it gives the other person a chance to reassure you. It also gives a clear picture of what the boundaries need to be.
When we trust ourselves and the person we are exploring with, our bodies can feel safe to open to new experiences.
Step Three – Unleash the Inner Slut
The word ‘slut’ has negative connotations, for women in particular, but the word itself just means you like a lot of something. Especially for women, “good girls” are not meant to express themselves as sexual beings, “slut” has been used to suppress women and their sexuality for decades.
Maybe it’s not the inner slut for you, but it’s something that feels naughty, something that feels a bit taboo. I know it’s hard, but surrendering to this part of you opens a new pathway to pleasure.
This is your permission slip.
I would say like myself, most people, especially women, have suppressed this “kinky” part of themselves. Or if they bring it out, it comes out in a leaky way. To harness healthy and conscious kink energy you need to own it. Say to yourself, “I am a sexual being and I deserve pleasure.”
Step Four – Be brave and curious
I’m acknowledging that this can be scary, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Sometimes it’s hard to admit what tickles your pickle. To yourself but especially to your partner. But that one moment of sharing bravely may create pleasure expansion like you never thought possible. The great thing when you are just dipping your toe into kink is that the more curious you are the more you will learn. You can do something that in your head sounds like a real turn on but in reality, does not feel good. You’re not committed to anything. What I would say though, is if you are safe and it’s not a HARD NO, if you’re not sure if you like something, be brave enough to try it a couple more times because the context around doing something matters. One day you might be sleep deprived and you’re a bit more agitated than normal; chances are you won’t be able to relax and feel all the goodness an experience may offer. So try it on a day when you feel rejuvenated to see if the experience differs. Play with it!
Stay curious,
Morgan
Somatic Sexologist Morgan Penn and ZM radio host Hayley Sproull are teaming up once again to normalise conversations about sex, this time with a kinky twist. With even more sizzling stories, heart-wrenching confessions, and mind-blowing insights into the enigmatic realm of relationships. New episodes of Sex.Life will be released weekly on Wednesdays on iHeartRadio or wherever you get your favourite podcasts.
