Choosing to embark on the parenting journey by yourself is probably one of the bravest things anyone can do – but after suffering unimaginable pain in her teens, Kiwi woman Karynne Paull decided she wasn’t going to let anything stop her from being a mum. Here’s her story on deciding that single parenthood was for her (TW: sexual assault).
Capsule x Fertility Associates
Karynne’s story:
My journey to single parenthood actually started when I was only 17. Following a sexual assault, I got a really nasty pelvic inflammatory disease – it basically f***ed everything inside me. When I was 21 I was told that I would probably never get pregnant, and if the 1% chance did happen, there would be a 99% chance that I would have an ectopic pregnancy.
So I began to live my life thinking that I would never have kids, and I think subconsciously I thought to myself ‘why would I get into a relationship with someone, when I can’t give them children?’.
It was pretty shit, yes, but you deal with it, don’t you – and I had so much support with friends and family. But when I got to my early 30s and everyone was having kids and getting pregnant, I realised that it wasn’t fair. I always wanted children – I made a career working with them first as a nanny, then a paediatric nurse.
I always wanted to be a mum – it’s actually all I ever wanted. So I went back to my gynaecologist, and asked if the thought I could do IVF. Turns out, I could. I wasn’t in a relationship at the time, and I really didn’t want to be with someone just so I could have a baby. I did have to have some surgery before I was ready, but then I was ready for the process to begin the process with Fertility Associates towards single parenthood
I had a lot of support, but there were a few raised eyebrows, mostly from the older people in my life who had more old-fashioned ideas – ‘a child needs a mum and a dad, etc’. Actually no, a child doesn’t need a mum and a dad. Yes, they need male and female influences in their lives, but it doesn’t have to be a nuclear family. I think some people were a bit worried because Joe’s dad Wayne is gay, and being that older generation, I think some were worried about me having a child that was gay! Not quite how it works… but it was 15 years ago!
But ultimately, everyone around me knew how much I wanted a child, and they were so excited for me when I began the process. I was able to claim my IVF expenses with ACC, which helped a lot (it’s called a sensitive claim).
I had a friend who I’d flatted with years ago who was my sperm donor – he’s an awesome gay guy and I just thought he’d be a great choice. I flicked him an email – you can imagine how crazy that was – and he emailed back not even 10 minutes afterwards saying ‘yup, let’s do it’. It was probably the first lucky thing that had happened to me in this journey!
So I had IVF, and the first cycle wasn’t successful. We went again – this was at the beginning of 2009 – and it was successful, with my son Joe being born in October.
I can’t thank my donor enough – he now has a son that he sees, and his mum is now a grandmother to Joe.
Single parenthood, honestly, hasn’t been that hard. I’ve had so much family support around me, and my mum stayed with me for the first three months which helped a lot, especially when I needed further surgeries following his birth. But being a single mum is just one of things that I had to do. I wanted to be a mum, and this was my only way to do it. And Joe is so amazing. I always look at him like my miracle child.
The hardest parts were at the beginning when he was hitting all of the milestones like the crawling, the walking, and there was no one there to share it with, and you come home at the end of the day and it’s just you and your child – but I did have my family and my friends. And yeah, there’s not a lot of time for five minutes to yourself. But would I do it again? In a heartbeat.
Joe’s awesome. He’s 14 now and he’s great at sport, he’s really good at frisbee golf! We live in Australia now, he’s first in Queensland for juniors. We moved to Aussie when Joe was three to be closer to my family, and it’s been great. Joe thinks he’s a Kiwi, but man, he’s got the Aussie twang!
I don’t really like to think about the past, but I look at my life and think about what happened to me when I was younger, then I wouldn’t of had Joe. I wouldn’t want anyone to go what I went through, but I didn’t let it stop me from fulfilling my dream of being a mum. Shit happens, sure – but I just had to deal with it. If you want something bad enough, you can get it.
If you’re thinking about embarking on the single parent journey, man, I feel you! But honestly, just do it. It’s more than worth it.