Monday, October 3, 2022

The Weird Stuff I Bought When I Was Drunk in Lockdown: Successes, Regrets and a Few WTFs

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Lockdown is a weird time for everyone – too much time, too much wine and a debit card that hasn’t seen the light of day for weeks. Here, Kelly Bertrand documents the weird shit that’s turned up on her doorstep now we’re in level three – some of which she can’t remember ordering for the life of her.

1. 2x ‘Spread Your Legs, Not the Virus’ mugs

I do remember seeing these on Instagram and thinking, ‘What a great way to remember this particular shit show of a time’, before waking up the next day and asking myself why, for the love of God, we would want to remember these last five weeks.

I’m a huge minimalist, who doesn’t like colour or clutter or kitsch. This flies in the face of all three, but I have a weird thing with novelty mugs. I don’t know why, but I think they’re hilarious to bring out when you’re serving people tea.

I also remember trying to use my Apple Pay to buy one and somehow accidentally buying two.

Regret, success or WTF? Success. I think.

2. Sunbeam Air Fryer

If you’re a regular reader of Capsule you would have already seen my tribute to my drunkenly acquired Briscoes air fryer (50% off, before you ask). But this was an absolute masterstroke by three-rosés-down-Kelly because it’s literally changed my life – click here for that story.

Regret, success or WTF? COULD NOT BE MORE OF A SUCCESS.

3. Bandolier Crossbody Phone Bag

This was a bit of a birthday treat to myself and I had been lusting over it for a while, after checking with my chic friend Courtney that it was indeed chic and not ugly (sometimes it’s a fine line).

I’m always that person who will get out of an Uber and panic that they’ve left their phone inside (it’s happened before) or can’t find it at the bottom of a huge bag packed with shit I’ll never use on a day-to-day basis but have in there ‘just in case’.

Essentially, it’s a phone case with a little wallet on the back and clips on the end, which can be attached to a strap and other bags to turn your phone into a bag.

I had it in a cart for weeks because Jesus, it was expensive, but rosé-Kelly struck again and after an impressive five days, a cute package arrived from Los Angeles with my new phone system.

And I am absolutely in love. I’m starting to think drunk Kelly is cooler than sober Kelly.

Regret, success or WTF? A stylish, chic success.

4. PD PAOLA Rainbow Gem Initial Necklace

I have no idea why I bought this. Mostly because I already have one, from the same company, which I bought in the exact same circumstances during the last level four, and I didn’t really like it then.

Cute idea – my Virgo soul is soothed by anything initialised or monogramed – but they’re a lot smaller in real life and it’s not like returning things to Spain is easy, so I guess I’m stuck with it. Worse things have happened, I guess.

Regret, success or WTF? WTF – because why did I buy something that I ALREADY HAD.

5. Coffee Warmer USB Coaster Thing

Amazon opening its services to New Zealand really hasn’t been a good thing for me. I think I bought this because I constantly get distracted in the morning while I’m trying to drink my coffee and I don’t have a microwave to heat it back up, and re-heating on the stove seems excessive.

So it makes sense on that level, but I still don’t know why I bought one off Amazon.

Regret, success or WTF? Regret? I think?

6. Fleabag’s Hot Priest Prayer Candle

Again, this is something I’ve coveted for years but never bought because the shipping costs more than the actual thing (sort out your post, Canada) but lockdown isn’t the time to worry about exorbitant courier fees (yes I know it’s exactly the time you need to worry about exorbitant courier fees but give me a break, I’m pretty sure this specific purchase was after some shonky DIY margaritas).

This candle works on so many levels. Holy. Hot. Etc. No regrets.

Regret, success or WTF? Success if you minus the international postage.  

7. Foot Peel Mask

I’ve seen these on Instagram for years and so have you – you know, the stupendously gross videos of people’s foot skin literally hanging off their feet after using this mask. It seemed like the perfect time to try it – I live by myself (which might actually give a little context as to how all of the above happened) so no one was going to see my feet for weeks. Unfortunately they still haven’t turned up yet, but I keep getting shipping alerts that they’ll be delivered ‘soon’ so all hope is not lost.

Regret, success or WTF? To be determined.

8. Schitt’s Creek Rosebud Motel Key Ring

Official Rosebud Motel Keytag - Schitt's Creek

My love for weird but practical pop culture mementos strikes again. Schitt’s Creek literally got me through last lockdown (thank you for forcing me to give both this and Ted Lasso a go, Emma Clifton) and it must have been in my brain as I searched Netflix for something upbeat to watch after I got into my grapefruit gin stash.

So now I own a ridiculously big key ring that barely fits into my clutches but how can I regret it when it reminds me of one of the greatest television series of our generation.

Regret, success or WTF? Success. Obviously.

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