Saturday, December 3, 2022

Like Bridgerton? We Have Your Recommendations For More Horny Content Starring People In (Mostly) Old Fashioned Clothing

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Enjoying the dapper horniness of Bridgerton and it’s elaborate, sexy world. Presenting our list of other Horny Content Of People In Old-Fashioned Costumes

Sometimes there are story ideas that are the culmination of your entire life experience and this is one of them for me. Shockingly I don’t actually care for Bridgerton because the horniness is too in your face (pun very much intended) but I am clearly in the minority, as the entire word seems to be gently losing its shit over Bridgerton and all Bridgerton-related content. I get it. The Duke is incredibly hot.

But beyond Bridgerton, there is an entire collection of horny and old-fashioned style sexy content. I prefer a subtle type of horniness that comes down to one major thing: longing. I want buttoned up people sending long, quietly lascivious stares at the object of their affection before making small talk about the weather or the neighbours or whatever Jane Austen characters talked about (walking? The harpsichord?).

Without further ado, I present this list of horny content – based on my own favourites and also crowd-sourcing to my fellow hornthusiasts.

The Age of Innocence
The world’s most unlikely Martin Scorsese movie, this 1993 film is the first but not the last time you will see Daniel Day-Lewis (King of subtle horniness) on this list. It’s a historical romance (ding ding ding) based on a book but starring all classically hot people: DDL, Winona Ryder and Michelle Pfeiffer. Daniel and Winona are engaged to be married – he is brooding and complex and she is pretty and simple and then her mysterious and sexy cousin arrives into town and suddenly Daniel is transfixed by her. The confines of polite society get in the way of their love! What will he do??? THE LONGING!!!!

Horniest part: Daniel takes off Michelle’s glove and kisses her bare wrist and it is sexier than all 50 Shades of Grey. Five out of five fans (for cooling yourself down). 

The Last of the Mohicans
Well well well, here we have Daniel Day-Lewis again only this time he’s no buttoned up bachelor, but a man whose long locks are matched in DRAMA by the deep, chest-baring V of his sweaty white shirt. This movie is about white people colonising America and I’m not sure how well it might hold up under recent viewing, plus it is extremely violent. In saying that….. it’s horny and that is the point of this list.

Horniest part: The kiss against the wall. So much great hair. Yes, I found you a YouTube link (‘Found’. Like I don’t have it saved…) Five out of five fans.

The Sound of Music
Sure, if you haven’t seen this movie since you were a child, you might be like “Hang on, isn’t this is a movie about nuns… and Nazis?” and yes, you would be right in that regard.

However, may I present this piece of evidence…

As a child, my main interest was learning all the lyrics to “16 Going on 17” (chilling in the Nazi context) but as an adult, I was solely mesmerised by the extraooordinary sexual tension between Fraulein Maria and Captain Von Trapp. Longing? Old-fashioned outfits? Subtle Horniness? Check, check and check.

Horniest part: When Maria and the Captain dance together and also when the Baroness says “Somewhere out there is a lady who I think will never be a nun”, and you as the audience are like “oooooooooooooooooooooh yes.” Three out of five fans.

Atonement
Look, 95% of this movie is cripplingly beautiful and deeeeeeply devastating but the opening half an hour is off the charts subtle longing (ooh, would we call using the c word subtle?), which then leads to an extremely erotic scene in the library. James McAvoy’s intense stare is just as iconic as Keira Knightley’s green dress.

Horniest part: Mr McAvoy in the Library with the Forbidden Note! Five out of five fans!

Some Modern Horniness to Offset The Olden-Time Vibes

Out of Sight
Before Jennifer Lopez was a pop goddess, and before George Clooney was a mega-star, they were just two hot people starring in this cat-and-mouse thriller about a sexy con (Clooney) and a hot cop (Jennifer), who fall for each other while she hunts him down and tries to put him back in jail.

Horniest part: This entire six minutes. “Let’s get out of here.” Four out of five fans.

Twilight
New year, new chance for me to write about Twilight. I’ll take it. This is a movie that does teenage horniness RIGHT. Longing! Brooding stars! Gelled hair! Even though I was about 10 years older than the teenage girl demographic, and 10 years younger than the ‘frustrated mom’ demographic, I still fell for the charms of Robert Pattinson hook, line and sinker. (*cough* I bought the Twilight doll).

Horniest part: I. Just. Want. To. Try. One. Thing. Five out of five fans.

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