When women want to be single always, not just for a phase, why do others think they’re in denial or demand an explanation? We talk to women who choose to be single – and wouldn’t have it any other way!
Welcome to our series, The Love Diaries – a space for you to share your experiences, advice, fairy-tale endings, setbacks and heartbreaks. We’ll be hearing from industry experts giving practical advice alongside Capsule readers (You!) sharing your firsthand experiences with love – from the woman who cheated on her husband with a work colleague, one woman’s temptation now the love of her life is finally single (although she’s not), and the woman who forced her husband to choose between her and his girlfriend.
Lily*, a 42-year-old lawyer, has been single since she was 26. And that’s by design, not by accident.
Lily simply prefers being single. “Being in two relationships in my 20s [each for two years] wasn’t all I thought it’d be. I don’t think it was about those particular men. During those relationships, I found myself longing to be single, but I ‘stuck at it’ because that’s what you’re supposed do in life – have boyfriends then settle down.”
Over the 16 years since her last relationship, Lily has never wanted to couple up, and plans to never do so. She’s had some flings, but never wanted more than that. “I have a great purple vibrator.”
Being single has many upsides, she says. “It means I’ve been able to pursue my career goals in different cities – Auckland, Sydney, Melbourne, now Wellington. I can watch whatever TV show I want, eat whatever meal I want, go to bed when I want.” She enjoys her own company and rarely feels lonely. She’s close with her two siblings and has time to be an awesome auntie (she’s never wanted her own kids) – and has time to build and maintain strong friendships.
Social Pressure To Be In A Couple
Something that bothers Lily is the social pressure to couple up. Colleagues, acquaintances, new friends and even members of her extended family ask her if she’s in a relationship and, when she says no, ask ‘why not’ or why she isn’t looking for one. “It’s like people think there’s something wrong with me, or think I’ll change my mind. My aunt thinks that deep down I want a boyfriend. It drives me bananas.”
Lily thinks being single by choice is more of a taboo than not wanting children. “There is still such a stigma. Why should I have to explain myself to people? I know people in relationships who are unhappy. Yet I’m happy and people feel sorry for me. Argh!”
Lily has never felt the need to make peace with singledom nor to throw a party to celebrate it. She simply wants to be taken at her word. To be believed, not patronised.
The Default Assumption That It’s A Phase
More people are single now than at any other time in human history. Going by U.S. numbers, about one-third of adults are single, some by choice and some involuntarily. In New Zealand, the latest census data (from 2018) showed that more than 405,000 people live alone.
As a society, we’re now more open to the idea that being single can be great: you can have fun, make new friends, try new hobbies, tap into what makes you happy.
But there’s still the assumption that singledom is ‘just a phase’. People might assume that you’re single because you’re having fun, having flings, or are really focused on your career. However, the underlying assumption is that, at some point, you’ll couple up and settle down.
If that doesn’t happen? The underlying assumption is that there’s something wrong with you, or that you’re not doing something right (for example, you’re not on dating apps).
But what if you want to always be single? It can be hard to express this (or sometimes even to live like this) because of social norms about what our lives should – and shouldn’t – look like. There’s the assumption that, if you stay single, you’ll be lonely. Dissatisfied. Miserable, even. You must be unwilling to compromise. You must have unrealistic expectations. You must fear commitment. Maybe you have low self-esteem. Maybe you’re no good in bed. These things, stated or implied, can be irksome or upsetting. Thankfully we no longer use the term ‘spinster’ or ‘old maid’, but we should ban the phrase ‘cat lady’.
The Attitude That Being Single Is Something To ‘Fix’
Articles on this topic have titles like ‘8 Reasons You Might Still Be Single: What Are The Internal Challenges That Keep You Single?’, ‘Why Am I Single? 9 Common Reasons And How to Cope If You’re Feeling Lonely’, ‘Why Am I Still Single? 5 Reasons + What To Do About It’, and multiple ‘Why Am I Still Single?’ quizzes. The implication is that being single is a problem – to diagnose, then fix.
Mark Manson, bestselling author of The Subtle Art Of Not Giving a F*ck, wrote an article called ‘3 Simple Explanations for Why You’re Still Single’. Here are those reasons: ‘You Don’t Respect Yourself’, ‘You Have Absurd Expectations’, and ‘You Haven’t Developed the Skills for Intimacy’. Mark, we don’t give a f*ck about your mansplaining.
Even the Huffington Post article ‘This Is What Therapists Tell People Who Are Sick Of Being Single’ presents being in a couple as end game.
The Freedom Of Choosing To Be Single
Why might someone want to always be single? Well, you could rephrase that as ‘why might someone want to always be free from the constraints of having a partner?’ Perhaps because it allows you more freedoms and opportunities. Maybe it means you can focus on your career goals without worrying about a partner’s career (which can influence where you live). Maybe you have more time for pursuing passions and hobbies, and enjoying friendships. Maybe many things.
Cassie, a 34-year-old marketing manager from Auckland, says: “I’ve never had the desire to be part of a couple, and feel my life is richer for having an extended family of choice through lifetime friendships, rather than a couple-based family. I did have a partner but I ended it because it felt so limiting and restrictive.”
How so? “I didn’t like feeling answerable to someone or the expectations of sharing so much time, space, decision-making, future planning etc with one specific person. I also recoil from the implicit relationship rule of constantly staying in touch with and updating a partner about daily or weekly plans, changes, thoughts, household things etc.”
“I’d rather spend time with close friends, involve them in my life and my house, be part of their lives and their spaces, and enjoy my space alone in the evening on occasion, without planning or justifying it as you would with a cohabiting partner.”
Cassie also has a daughter alone by choice (through IVF via donor sperm). “I like having sole decision-making rights as a parent.”
Does she have any sexual relationships? “I do. Generally with long-term friends – and usually only with one person as an agreed, mutual and usually temporary add-on to the friendship. And sometimes there are long periods where I don’t [have sexual relationships] because I’m not interested in dating.”
A Solo Life Of Fulfilment
Someone who has chosen to be single for life is Dr Bella DePaulo (belladepaulo.com), a renowned social psychologist and the author of books including Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After; Alone; The Badass Psychology of People Who Like Being Alone; and Singlism: What It Is, Why It Matters, And How to Stop It (singlism being the negative stereotyping of singles).
Her TEDx talk ‘What no one ever told you about people who are single’ has been viewed more than 1.7 million times.
In her Psychology Today article ‘Choosing To Be Single: All Alone Or Socially Fulfilled?’, Bella writes that there are two ‘stories’ (narratives) about people who choose to be single. In the first narrative, these people are considered “social losers. They didn’t really choose to be single”. However, in the second narrative, people really do want to be single and have satisfying lives, including great social lives.
“Of course, I like the second story better,” Bella adds. “I’ve been single all my life. That’s what I chose. But this isn’t about my preferences.” It’s about a study by Dr Elyakim Kislev, a researcher and scholar whose book Happy Singlehood has been translated into seven languages. Bella summarises his study, which surveyed 6000 single Germans aged 30-plus.
“The true story of choosing to be single,” Bella says, “according to these nine years of data, is not a tale of people stuck with their single status, alone and bereft. It’s the story of single people who want to be single is a story of connection, fulfilment, and a life full of ‘the ones’ [friends, and maybe lovers] instead of ‘The One’.”
‘Why Are You Still Married?!’
In another article called ‘Why Are You Still Single?: Here’s the Best Way to Answer’, Bella says “no one should ever have to defend their single status”, and that “asking a single person why they’re still single is doubly insulting. It suggests there’s something wrong with being single, something the single person has to answer for.”
Bella suggests you reply by asking “why are you married?” or ‘why are you still married?”. (Or if they’re de facto, ‘why are you in a couple’?)
Or you could just say ‘why should I have to justify it?’. Because you don’t owe anyone an explanation for how you live your life.
